I have never tasted pumpkin spice. I am still its biggest fan.

It has come to my attention that it is pumpkin spice season. I know this because the humans have started saying "PSL" in a reverent tone, a sweater has emerged from the closet, and someone has placed a small gourd on the table that I am apparently not allowed to eat.

I am fully in my PSL era. I have never tasted cinnamon, nutmeg or espresso. I have never had a beverage that did not come out of a stainless-steel or ceramic bowl. None of this has slowed me down. Pumpkin spice is a feeling, not a flavor.

Also, I was told there would be whipped cream.

This fall, weenies across the country are drinking what Instagram calls the pup version of our human counterparts' highly acclaimed pumpkin spice latte. I have studied the recipes closely, mostly by sitting next to the counter. They contain neither pumpkin spice nor latte. Most call for pure pumpkin (not pie filling), goat milk or plain Greek yogurt, a splash of water and whipped cream, which several recipes curiously describe as "optional." I have read that word many times and still do not know what it means, despite attempting to look it up in a dictionary.

My person made me one from scratch on Tuesday. It has been two days and the PSL is officially part of my personality. That being said, I want to make one thing very clear. I will not be donning a neutral palette for the rest of the season. In fact, I would like the record to reflect that I do not consent to wearing any sort of apparel. If you see me on the streets wearing anything but my birthday suit, alert the authorities.

Matzoh, who also lives here, has asked me to address the video going around in which a dachshund is handed the whipped cream from a human latte and goes at it so hard he appears to be drinking the latte itself. I respect that dog's commitment. I have also been told, by people who know things, that the human cup is a different drink entirely. Pumpkin spice is usually a blend of cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice and cloves, and nutmeg is toxic to dogs in larger amounts, according to the American Kennel Club. The espresso adds caffeine, which the ASPCA warns can cause vomiting, a racing heart, tremors and seizures in dogs. I did not enjoy learning this, but here we are.

As of press time, I have been informed that I will receive "a few spoonfuls" of my latte and that the rest has been frozen in an ice cube tray. I consider this a betrayal of everything this season stands for. My person says extra weight is hard on a long back. I say the gourd is still on the table, and I am watching it.