The culty world of dachshunds

I’ve lived in California, Florida and New York. And in 95% of my outings with my dachshunds, someone stops us to strike up a conversation. With every stop, my two mini dachshunds — Matzoh and Miso — are greeted, a personal dachshund story is shared or photos are exchanged. I leave the interaction thinking this is definitely a cult and it excites me. There is something energizing about this built-in community. But is it a cult?

Psychiatrist Robert Jay Lifton identified three hallmarks of a cult: a charismatic leader who becomes an object of worship, thought reform and the exploitation of members. Dachshunds qualify. This is my case.

The charismatic leader

Any dachshund household will admit their dog runs the place. They dictate schedules and activities. Want to get up before your dachshund is ready? They will lure you back into bed, showing you the splendors of a life unburdened and bundled underneath a pile of blankets. Want to have a lazy day glued to your sofa? Only if your dachshund agrees. Otherwise, it’s time for an outdoor adventure. Just gave them a treat? They will demand it is time for another.

And while new recruits may find themselves negotiating their dachshund’s assertions, we all end up landing in a place of happy compliance. We stop questioning and start accommodating our self-appointed leader. There is a hypnotic charm and charisma we fall victim to, soon forgetting our old life to settle into a new way of doing things.

Thought reform

Lifton described “thought reform” as coercive persuasion or systematic methods designed to reshape an individual’s identity, beliefs and autonomy. This phenomenon has been documented in my house.

It starts small. You read one post about back trouble — intervertebral disc disease, which the breed’s long spine makes far more likely — and suddenly you’re pricing ramps for the sofa and carrying a 12-pound dog down the stairs like a sedan-chair bearer. Then come the sweaters, because a dachshund in 50-degree weather will shiver with the commitment of a silent-film heroine. The bed you once sprawled across now has a burrow tunneled into its foot, and you sleep curled around it like a parenthesis. Rain is no longer weather; it’s a negotiation, since most dachshunds would rather hold it all day than set a paw on wet grass. 

Before long, your camera roll is 80% sausage, your tote bag bears a long-bodied silhouette, and you find yourself telling strangers “harness, not collar” with the fervor of a convert. Nobody forced any of this on me. I just woke up one day and this was my reality, unquestioned.

Exploitation of human members

If, in a moment of clarity, we are able to compare then versus now, it is clear that our leader has systematically used us — its human members — for economic and structural gain. The life we knew before the dachshund is long gone. We have sacrificed our time, given in to demands and lost all sense of autonomy to create a comfortably royal life for our dachshund.

Just the other night, my husband and I wanted a date night. Our options narrowed because Matzoh needed to come along. He demands dinner dates several times a week. And when he joins us, my husband becomes the third wheel. Our list becomes limited to dog-friendly restaurants, and shortened even more when Matzoh decides he needs a menu of his own.

One of our dogs will usually accompany us on after-work outings, so we have to remember to fight for nights of our own. And when those dog-free nights come, they certainly aren’t guilt-free. We constantly find ourselves asking each other, “What do you think the dogs are doing right now?” and “How mad will they be when we get home?”

But is it a cult?

Cults are synonymous with isolation from the outside world. The dachshund cult builds community with it. Go out with your dachshund and you’re bound to find yourself striking up a conversation with another like-minded member of this secret society. You share stories, pictures and a deep understanding of exactly what it means to have a dachshund living in your house (or are we living in theirs?). If this is a cult, I’m never leaving.